


The Consumption of Time

by lily_superlock



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But this isn't Just smut, Canon Compliant, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Hand Jobs, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-10 06:26:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10431111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lily_superlock/pseuds/lily_superlock
Summary: Merlin copes. Or doesn't.In a universe where Kilgharrah never tells Merlin that Arthur will return, Merlin tries to deal with the King's death.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wanna give a shout out to my writing cheerleaders mysticalheartnerd and buckybarnesisbetterthanyou from Tumblr. 
> 
> This fic literally tore me apart to write and I hope you guys find some enjoyment in it. 
> 
> I don't know normally do this with my writing but I have some songs that I listened to religiously when writing this and I'll leave the links to the corresponding chapters. 
> 
> Turning Pages by Sleeping At Last:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKBfsz3P7Us (with lyrics)
> 
> Also if you notice any spelling or grammar errors please let me know.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts in this chapter.

_"Just hold me."_

 

Merlin laid down on the bank and watched the boat burn.

 

He was underwater.

 

The sky grew around him, changing shape, changing colour, casting a shadow where there wasn't a shadow before. 

He was not really there. Just a pair of lungs moving air in and out, pushing blood round and round.

There were no thoughts.

 

Later, Gaius will tell him that this was shock. At that moment, he thought nothing about it at all.

Something shifted on his peripheral vision. Movement above him, near him. A voice somewhere distant.

"Young warlock."

It was Kilgharrah. But he was muffled, far away, in another moment. He couldn't be in that moment because there is no moment there.

Merlin wanted to respond but he couldn't. His lips wouldn't move, his eyes wouldn't focus. He just laid there. He just breathed.

 

He was underwater.

 

There was movement again. It was dark.

The world swayed underneath him, he knew he was being carried away, flown away. He wanted to protest, scream and cry and tell Kilgharrah to take him back. Take him back to Arthur. But his lips still wouldn't move.

He laid limp, staring, not seeing the fields pass underneath them.

 

* * *

 

 

It was warm. It was soft. He pulled sheets up to his cheek, so soft. There was a dull light. There were gentle, comforting voices coming from close by.

He was underwater. He was safe.

  
And then suddenly he was being pulled kicking and screaming to the surface of reality.

  
His vision focused across the room, his bedroom. His head throbbed, face sticky, his heart sunk.

Arthur.

_Arthur._

**_Arthur._ **

 

He sat up bolt right and nausea hit him instantaneously. He heaved and threw up over the side of the bed onto the floor. Later, Gaius will tell him this was the shock also.

  
The bedroom door flew open and Gaius came in, closely followed by Leon. Gwen hesitated by the doorway. Merlin heaved again and Gaius stroked his hair away from his face. Leon fetched a bucket.

"It's okay," Merlin mumbled, the sickness receding. "I'm okay." Somehow he'd managed to find words again.

Leon held onto the bucket awkwardly, ready at any minute for Merlin to change his mind.

"How are you feeling?" Gaius asked.

"Okay, better," Merlin said, still shaking. Not better. _Worse._

Gaius paused. Merlin didn't know how much time passed until he spoke again but Gwen is gone by the time he did.

"I had a conversation with a dragon," Gaius said. "It's been a very long time since I did that."

"Kilgharrah?" Merlin remembered quietly. The dragon brought him back to Camelot.

"Yes. I think maybe we owe him your life," Gaius said, lifting an eyebrow.

"Did he-" Merlin couldn't bring himself to say it.

"He told us what happened, Merlin."

Merlin nodded and shut his eyes. He fell backwards underwater once more.

 

* * *

 

  
The days passed. Or at least, Merlin thought they must do. When he looked back, he could never remember much of those first few days.

He was sure Leon came and Percival at some point. There wasn't much talking though. Gwen was in mourning, her husband was dead. Yet she still came, once, clad in black and they sat together and discussed the weather as if talking about something terribly mundane would help. Merlin struggled to make words, to piece sentences together. She left quickly.

Merlin slept a lot. No matter how much he slept, he was always still tired.

One day, he woke up and thought he must get up and must get on. Be alive again. Be Merlin again. Then remembered that there was no reason to. No armour to polish, no horses to muck out, no chambers to clean, no breakfast to fetch.

He went back to bed.

 

* * *

 

Gaius came in every day.

"Will you eat? Will you come out the room to eat with me?"

He went. He couldn't bare the terrible look on Gaius' face. Merlin felt dreadful, like he was letting him down but he couldn't seem to snap out of it.

He went but he didn't eat much. Food felt like it was clogging up his throat, suffocating him; he swallowed it and it rolled around his stomach.

  
Leon came one day. He sat on Merlin's bed. Merlin felt his hand on his arm. It was awfully warm.

"We've been discussing making you Court Sorcerer at the council," he told him.

"Oh?" Merlin should have felt surprised, excited, flattered. He felt ... uninterested.

"Will you come out of here, Merlin? Come down to the Rising Sun, we're doing some memorial drinks for Arthur."

Memorial drinks. For Arthur.

"I don't know, Leon."

"Come on, Merlin, it's been almost two weeks now. You must come out. We're worried about you."

Merlin stared at him.

"It's been almost two weeks?"

Leon stared back.

"Yes, Merlin. How long did you think it had been?"

"I really had no idea..."

"I've not seen Gwaine," Merlin suddenly said out loud in a moment of realisation.

Leon shifted uncomfortably.

"Merlin..." he began. But Merlin immediately knew what he was about to say and waved his hand.

"I can't believe I didn't notice before," he whispered.

"You've been through a lot, Merlin," Leon said. "I'm sorry we didn't tell you."

  
Merlin told Leon he would come to The Rising Sun that night. He laid back down and stared at his ceiling. Merlin needed to think of a reason to keep on living, he couldn't do it for himself so he must do it for everyone else.

Gaius who had been nothing but a perfect guardian and pseudo-father, taking Merlin under his wing, feeding him, housing him; Leon who'd stood by him no matter what, whose soul and bravery were pure; Gwen who had always been a kind and supportive friend, who had just lost her husband, the man she loved and now she had to rule Camelot. And Merlin had been lying in bed for the last two weeks. Selfish. So selfish.

First he let Arthur die, he let him slip away, unable to heal him, unable to save his King, the man he- the man he-

And then he let Gwaine die too, if he'd stopped Morgana when he'd had the chance before, Gwaine would still be here.

And now he'd left his friends to mourn alone. He wasn't just a terrible sorcerer, unable to heal Arthur, but a terrible man too.

Merlin stared at the ceiling and pasted that smile on his face. The one he's practised so often before. It hurt his cheeks and made him want to sob. But he could do this. He could look after the last friends he has on this Earth, or at least he can stop them from having to look after him.

 

* * *

 

 

_"A smile can speak a thousand words"._

That's what Hunith had told him when he was a child.

_"And yours is a beautiful smile."_

Time to put that beautiful smile to work. And Merlin did.

  
He smiled at the memorial drinks, he smiled when they spoke stories about Arthur and he smiled when they toasted him.

He smiled when they made him court sorcerer, he smiled when Gwen married Leon and he smiled when they announced the birth of their son.

He smiled when Percy moved away to live on a farm with his sweetheart and he smiled when no one seemed to mention Arthur any more.

But he knew when not to smile too, he didn't smile when Gwen lost her son and when Gaius passed away from old age and when sorcerers attacked Camelot.

It would be weird to smile then, people would see the crack in the façade. But the truth was, Merlin was a brilliant actor. His emotions were lost a long time ago. He'd settled into a comfortable numbness that followed him everywhere. Merlin didn't know how long this emptiness within himself would last but it turned out to be 1,943 days after Arthur passed away.

 

***

 

One day, when Merlin was very tired, so particularly tired,

one day after Gaius had passed, after Gwen and Leon had buried their only son, after they claimed Camelot back yet again from another passing war,

one day after his mother died due to a sickness he couldn't heal, he decided he couldn't smile for anyone anymore.

 

So Merlin took a rope to the forest, only to not suffocate.

He paid a bandit to stab him, only to not bleed.

He drank poison, only to wake the next morning feeling better than ever.

Then he called upon the dragon, a last cry, his final hope.

  
"Young warlock." Kilgharrah had never changed.

"I can't die." Merlin didn't want to mince words. He needed answers, not poetics.

"You are immortal."

Merlin stared at him for a long time.

"No."

But Kilgharrah didn't respond.

"I am immortal? I've to live forever in this rotten world alone? Is the world that cruel, do I not deserve some peace, some rest?"

"You will not be alone forever."

"Kilgharrah," Merlin stated. A warning. He was too tired for this, exhausted.

"You must wait for your King to return."

"My king?"

"Arthur Pendragon. Have you forgotten your king already?"

"Forgotten him?" Merlin snapped. "Of course I've never forgotten him. What do you mean return?"

"The great King Arthur will return to you again, your destinies are intertwined, his soul will come back to you."

"His soul will come back to me? To this Earth?"

"Yes."

Merlin breathed hard. Arthur would return to him?

Arthur would return.

Arthur.

"It's been five years, and you didn't- you didn't tell me?"

"You are born of magic, Merlin, I thought you would feel it."

But Merlin hadn't felt anything for a very long time. And then like an ocean coming back to shore, like it so inevitably does, it came.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for Rape/ Non-con elements in this chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kodaline - All I want (with lyrics)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqJoVlnmdFQ

Because the universe is sometimes kind as well as cruel, a group of Camelot Knights found Merlin. In the field where he'd met Kilgharrah. He'd been there for three days, sobbing more or less non stop. The kind of crying where you wretch because you're crying so hard. But it wasn't just tears of sorrow but tears of relief too. Arthur would come back to him.

Gwen must have sent them. To look for the lonely Merlin. The knights had swept him away on a flurry of horses back to Camelot. He could do little more than stare aimlessly at the open air. It felt eerily similar to that night those five years ago.

 

***

 

The problem with waiting for something one desperately wants is that a minute seems like an eternity. But Merlin had already waited five years, he could be patient. He'd already waited five years in which he never once tried a necromancy spell to bring back his beloved King, and only tried to kill himself (four times but they were in succession so he could call that just) once. And he'd even smiled for most of those years, so he could manage waiting a little longer.

Or so he thought.

But the promise gave him hope and where hope bloomed so did hopelessness. New feelings of disappointment, of turning every corner and hoping, nay, expecting Arthur to be standing there. Of waking every morning and running to Arthur's chambers, just to see the empty rooms stare back at him. The promise of Arthur's return was both breaking him apart and keeping him together. This was something new Merlin didn't know how to cope with. He was in purgatory. Laying on Arthur's bed, a room deserted years prior, breathing in the dust, wishing the sheets still smelled like Arthur, he wondered bleakly if purgatory was worse than hell. He wasn't really sure anymore.

 

* * *

 

 

Gwen must've noticed his ridiculous behaviour because one day she called him into her rooms.

"Is everything okay, Merlin?" She asked cautiously, like he might run at any given minute.

"Yes," he said, giving her an innocent look. He'd aged well, maybe it was the immortality, and could still pull off the doe eyes.

"You can tell me the truth," she implored. Merlin didn't know what she wanted to hear.

"I mean you _should_ tell me the truth, I am the Queen after all, it's treason to lie to me," she joked.

Merlin still couldn't find the words.

"What happened in the forest, Merlin, when you were gone?"

Merlin was silent.

"A bandit came to Camelot and the knights overhead him telling his friends that you'd paid him money to kill you." Gwen stared at him, her soft brown eyes burrowing deep into his soul. "Is that true?"

His breath was coming out hard. He didn't realise being called out on his grief would shake him to his core like this. How could he admit his weakness?

"You still think about Arthur every day?" She asked, saving him from having to confess.

"Yes, of course I do," he said quietly. "Every minute of every day."

"Oh, Merlin," she said, her voice breaking. And Gwen began to cry.

She covered his hand with hers.

"I know how much you loved him," she said, through tears.

It seemed weird them to finally be having this conversation, after all this time. After he finally knew Arthur would return. Should he tell Gwen? What if he came after she had passed? What if he didn't, what would happen with Leon?

No, he had to tell her. It was the right thing to do. Arthur was her husband. He wasn't Merlin's to keep a secret.

"Gwen," he said covering her hand with his other hand. "Kilgharrah. When I was in the forest, I called him. He said Arthur would return."

"Return?"

"Come back to the Earth. Be with us once more."

Gwen looked at Merlin for a very long time.

"He said it was his destiny," Merlin added.

"Is that exactly what he said?"

 

_"....your destinies are intertwined, his soul will come back to you..."_

 

"Basically."

She was searching his eyes, and seemed content to find something there.

"I'm so glad for you, Merlin," she said. She sighed, smiling. Her tears gone. It wasn't the pure joy he was expecting.

"Gwen, I don't-"

"Merlin," she interrupted, "I'm not waiting for Arthur to come back to me. I have never waited for that. When he passed away, of course, I mourned and it hurt me but I let go. And eventually I moved on. Do you understand?"

Merlin thought he was beginning to. Is that what normal people do? Grieve and move on?

"You waited, Merlin, you waited for so long," she said almost to herself. "But promise me one thing, Merlin?"

"Of course, Gwen."

"You can wait but don't spend your life waiting, go and live, he'll come to you when he's ready. I know you don't want to let go but sometimes holding on is the hardest thing of all, especially when it hurts so much."

Merlin nodded.

He could do that, couldn't he?

 

* * *

 

 

At some point resentment came. First, for Arthur. How dare Arthur make him wait like this? Typical Arthur. Thinking he's better than everyone, better than Merlin. To leave Merlin alone. There were days when everything was Arthur's fault. Merlin would trip over a table leg, _"fuck you, Arthur,"_ he'd drop a pot, _"fuck you, Arthur,_ " he'd spill a drink, _"fuck you, Arthur_." He felt like Arthur was watching him, mocking him, hiding in the shadows. Never quite there but always there.

Then it was for the world. It was the universe keeping them apart after all. If was destiny that brought them back together then it was destiny that had separated them in the first place. And what a cruel and awful place to be that would take Arthur away from him. How could the universe take so much from him when all he did was give to it?

Then it was for himself. But all along the anger had always been for himself, hadn't it? He'd let this happen. It was his fault.

And when Arthur returned, would he- would he forgive Merlin? For all the wrongs he'd committed, for not saving him, for everything? Arthur could hate him, Arthur should hate him.

It was a Tuesday, Merlin was sat out on the empty practising and he buried his head in his hands and thought about all the reasons Arthur would come back to him only to leave him again in disgust.

There were lots of days like this.

Lots of days Merlin sat in Gaius', no, now his, chambers and thought about Arthur. He wrote a list once of all the ways he'd hurt Camelot, and therefore Arthur, but the list was too long so he'd stopped.

But it was this Tuesday that Merlin remembered Gwen's words. Wasn't he supposed to be living his life? Not sitting around clouded in self-deprecation.

Merlin screamed bloody murder at the sky and dug his palms into the Earth beneath him. The sky roared above him, thunder echoing his cries.

And he tried to let go of that anger.

 

***

 

There are lots of sayings in the world,

_"good things come to those who wait,"_

but there's also,

_"a watched pot never boils" ._

 

So no one really knows what the best thing to do is.

The problem is, Merlin knew exactly what the right thing to do was, but he didn't want to.

The right thing to do was to go out with Leon and his friends, to the tavern for a night of polite socialising. Leon had invited like he did, every week and since Merlin returned from the forest he'd declined every time. He couldn't paint that god awful fake smile back on his face. But this week, he knew in his heart, he should try. Make an effort. Show Gwen he was living.

Show himself he was living.

  
Leon had lots of people to introduce Merlin to. Lots of "friends". Leon had talked about these "friends" before, every now and then.

"Merlin you'll love Harold," he'd say one month and a few months later it'd be "Gregory". Merlin never really paid much attention to it because he already had plenty of people that he loved. Too many in fact. Too many that kept disappearing from his life. But he repeated Gwen's kind words in his head and thought, 'this is just temporary, until Arthur is back', and somehow that made it seem okay.

So Leon introduced him to Michael and Michael seemed nice enough.

But he wasn't Arthur.

And Leon introduced him to Luke and Luke seemed nice enough.

But he wasn't Arthur.

And Leon introduced him to Pierre and Pierre seemed nice enough. And he was French (and blonde but why did that matter?).

But he still wasn't Arthur.

But, maybe Merlin let Pierre give him a french kiss outside The Rising Sun which led to a lot more than french kissing. And maybe it was a little bit nice. So maybe that was progress.

Besides, he never had that with Arthur. Only in his wildest dreams could he even fantasise about the prospect. Arthur loved Gwen anyway. Arthur was going to be heart broken when he saw Gwen with Leon.

But what was really important is that Arthur would be back. Heart broken or not, Arthur would be back.

 

  
Pierre stuck around for a couple of weeks and Merlin felt his heart expand. Merlin could wake him in the morning with a kiss behind his ear. And he'd call Merlin beautiful and other wicked things in French. It was like a holiday in his own life. A five minutes peace. Five minutes when he didn't need to think about Arthur. Then Pierre left and the guilt set in.

_What was he doing?_

Fucking around with some French guy when Arthur was waiting somewhere in the realm between life and death waiting to return to him. His heart bled and the self-deprecation crept in again.

So he sought to get rid of it.

And he sought it in the bed of another man. Any man. Any man at the Rising Sun who would take him. And as it turned out, lots of men would.

But the five minutes of peace turned to five seconds and Merlin could hardly remember what had been so nice about it in the first place. A sweaty hunk of meat rolling around on top of him and grunting. It made him feel sick. It wasn't love, it was sex and it didn't even feel much like sex anymore.

Then one day one of the guys came to him and told Merlin he'd fallen in love with him. Merlin had stared at him for a long time and said, "no, you're not". And then he vowed to never go with another man again.

He couldn't break someone's heart. Not when his own felt so shattered all the time. It wasn't fair.

  
The problem with vows however, is they often get broken.

 

***

 

Along came Timothy.

  
Timothy was a man with a lot to say and that's probably why Merlin liked him. When was there a moment to think when Timothy was rattling on about something?

Another thing Merlin liked about Timothy is that Timothy didn't like Merlin very much. In fact, he spent most of his time insulting him which, for some reason, worked for Merlin. He knew he couldn't entirely mean most of the insults anyway because the next minute he'd be sticking his tongue down Merlin's throat or pushing him down on the bed. This suited Merlin very much and this is how he finds himself "courting" a man whom none of his friends could stand.

 

"It's not that he's just mean, Merlin," Gwen said to him one day over a quiet dinner. "There's something off about him."

"I don't like how he treats you," Leon added.

They liked to gang up on Merlin. Merlin twisted his fork in his hand. This was the first time he'd even dreamt of having anything with someone other than Arthur. The first time he'd openly courted anyone, and after everyone was telling, encouraging him to move on, now they were turning against him for it.

"I know he isn't Arthur," Merlin snapped and Leon and Gwen just looked at each other across the dinner table.

"It's good that you're seeing someone, Merlin, really it is," Gwen said in her most comforting tone but it just felt condescending. "I just wish it wasn't Timothy."

Merlin glowered. He knew they were just looking out for him but was it really any of their business. Was it any of their business that he'd been in love with Arthur? Or that he'd paid a bandit to try and kill him? Or who he dated now? No, it really wasn't. And it was up to Merlin who he wanted to date or if he wanted to die.

Not that he wanted to die - just sometimes, maybe, waiting like this was a bit unbearable.

Anyway, his point was that if he wanted to date Timothy then screw everyone else. That's what he'd do.

And that's what he did.

 

***

  
Merlin wasn't a push over, no one could call him that. Over friendly, sure. A little naive, maybe. But a push over wasn't something anyone had ever called him. Yet, when it came to Timothy, Merlin found himself just obeying his every whim whether he wanted to or not. Some mornings he didn't feel like sex, but Timothy had very persistent hands and would tell him things like how he's prettier on his stomach and suddenly an insult seemed like a compliment and he'd be turning over.

This was good though, right? He'd breathe hard into the pillow and think 'finally someone who likes me'.

Because did Arthur ever really like him? Not even romantically but platonically? He was King Arthur and who was Merlin? His servant. His stupid, useless servant.

And here was Merlin thinking about Arthur during sex again. Timothy breathing heavily in his ear but he didn't think about that.

God, to feel those hands on his skin, to see those beautiful eyes again. Blonde, gorgeous Arthur, just to run his fingertips against his chest, his lips against his jaw...

Merlin broke his own heart as he ejaculated into the sheets. He did that a lot.

"You're so good to me," Timothy whispered to him, rolling away and climbing out of the bed. It was standard procedure for him to scarper as soon as they were done. He didn't even make an excuse anymore. It was routine.

Merlin smiled to himself. At least I can be good to someone, even if I'm thinking about the late King to get off.

Another thing about Timothy was that he looked nothing like Arthur. Actually he looked more like Gwaine. Not exactly but dark haired and beardy and attractive enough to have the girls at the Rising Sun swooning. This is another reason why Merlin probably liked him. He couldn't stand to look at blue eyes, this is why he avoided mirrors. That and because he looked like he hadn't aged a day. He didn't want to face his own immortality face on, he mused.

  
***

 

"So do you love him?"

"Love him?" Merlin stared at Percival like he'd grown another head.

"Yeah." Percy was visiting with his partner and they'd met up for a catch up in the tavern.

"I- I mean, obviously no, Percy," Merlin said.

"Oh?"

"Were you expecting me to?"

"No," Percy said, smiling around his mead.

Merlin narrowed his eyes at him.

"That's probably a good thing," Percy said. "Gwen told me he's an arsehole."

"Percy!"

"She said he goes around treating you like a piece of shit, calling you disgusting names and openly flirting with anyone with a pulse," Percy said piercing him with his accustory eyes.

"That's-"

"She said you let him walk all over you, that doesn't sound like the Merlin I know."

"Knew."

"Merlin."

"Look, it's nice okay? Just let me have this nice thing for five minutes," Merlin snapped, downing another gulp of his beer.

Percy sighed.

"As long as you're happy," he surrendered.

Merlin nodded.

He thought the conversation was over, but then Percy added, "are you?"

"What?"

"Happy?"

How was he supposed to answer that? How could he possibly be happy waiting for Arthur to return?

Timothy didn't make him happy, he made his mind quiet for a few minutes and sometimes made him feel like he was worth shit.

"I'm gonna get another drink," he said instead of answering.

"Right."

 

* * *

 

  
It's funny how the question of love didn't come up at all for months and then suddenly it came up twice in one night.

He got back to his chambers a little before midnight. He wasn't expecting company and had more than his usual share of drinks.

He pushed open the door to find Timothy waiting silently at Gauis' old desk. He swayed a little in his seat, looks like Merlin wasn't the only one on the sauce tonight.

"Where have you been?" Timothy asked, his tone angry but he often sounded angry when he wasn't, so Merlin turned a blind eye.

"I was at the tavern, Percy's back and we met for some drinks," he explained, taking off his jacket and shoes.

"Who's Percy?"

Merlin frowned at him. Had he never mentioned Percy to Timothy?

"You know Percy," he said, making a vague gesture with his hands.

"No."

"Oh, well my friend. An old friend."

"You got at lot of those?

"Huh?"

"Old friends?"

Timothy was now standing at the desk, still far away but Merlin could tell something was off.

"I mean-" Merlin didn't know what Timothy was getting at. "Doesn't everyone have lots of old friends?"

"And what about Arthur?"

Merlin stared at him. Fear washed over him. Why the fuck was Timothy talking about Arthur? How did he even know about Arthur?

"Arthur?"

"The late great King. A friend of mine was telling me all about how close you two were," he said way too casually to be casual.

"I was his manservant."

"Is that right?"

Timothy walked over from the desk, he was right in front of Merlin now and the only thing behind Merlin was a wall. Merlin eyed the door cautiously.

He felt sick. He didn't want to talk about Arthur. Especially not with Timothy.

"Did you love him?" Timothy asked, taking one of Merlin's wrist in his hand and holding it hard.

"I-"

"Did you?" He said, tugging at Merlin's wrist. Tell me.

"Does it matter? He's dead." Merlin didn't add and coming back soon I hope. That probably wouldn't have helped matters.

Timothy sighed, looking relieved. He leaned his head against Merlin's chest.

"Right, of course," he said, but his grip didn't loosen on Merlin's wrist.

He looked up at Merlin, pinning him with his jet black eyes.

"I love you, Merlin."

It was happening again. And this was why Merlin hadn't wanted to go with another man. He'd completely forgotten his own resolution and made the exact same mistake twice. Except this time it was so much worse because it had been months and it was Timothy. Timothy who was staring at him and digging his fingers into Merlin's bony wrist harder and harder the longer he didn't respond.

"Timothy..." Merlin said, shaking his head minutely.

"Say it, Merlin."

"Timothy I'm sorry-"

"Say it," he said, pulling Merlin forward. He was breathing into Merlin's face and suddenly it made him feel like he was going to throw up.

"Say you love me."

"I'm sorry-"

"Fuck, fuck," Timothy suddenly growled, pushing Merlin hard against the wall behind him. "It's that fucking pretty boy King of yours, isn't it? You know he's rotting in the ground and probably thought you were a useless piece of shit anyway."

Timothy slammed him repeatedly into the wall, knocking his head back. Merlin should stop this. He had magic. He could stop this any time he wanted. Why wasn't he stopping this?

"You think you were special to him? He probably thought it was amusing keeping a love sick puppy to follow him around and give him praise, liked having someone around he knew he could bend over backwards with a click of his fingers. Skinny, heart broken Merlin, who the fuck would love you?"

Merlin also thought it best not to argue that Timothy had literally just confessed his love to him.

Timothy kept slamming him against the wall and blackness began to form in the corners of his eyes. It felt good. Why did that feel good?

The notion that he should be stopping this kept running through his head but he never seemed to do anything.

It just felt so _good_.

  
But then before the blackness could swallow him, he felt Timothy's hot mouth against his neck and persistent hands scrabbling at the buttons on his shirt.

No. This isn't what he wanted.

"You're such a fucking whore anyway, aren't you, Merlin? You'll give it up for anyone."

Merlin was struggling now but his head was so foggy. Why did he let it get this far? He should have stopped him when he could.

"Ge' off," he groaned, trying to push Timothy's fingers away.

"Fuck you, Merlin. If you can't give me your love then you can at least give me this. After all that's all you're good for, right? A quick fuck."

Timothy was pulling his shirt off.

"That's all you wanted from me anyway, right?"

Unlacing his slacks.

"Ge' te fuck off," he managed to get out, trying to find the stem of his magic. He just needed to grasp it then he could blast Timothy back.

"Ge' off," he pushed at Timothy's hands uselessly.

Fuck. Merlin was weak.

Merlin couldn't stop him.

Was this really going to happen?

Tears pricked his eyes. He didn't want to cry, he didn't want to give Timothy the satisifaction.

But maybe if Timothy could see how much he was hurting him? Was going to hurt him...?

Tears dropped from Merlin's eyes.

"Come on, Merlin, don't pretend you don't want it."

"Don't do this," Merlin whispered. But Timothy had worked off his slacks and was turning him around. Pushing his face against the cold stone wall.

Merlin breathed and tried to get control of the fear.

"Can't you just kill me instead," Merlin half-joked, waiting for the Timothy's response... or at least some sweaty grasp on his skin... but it never came.

Instead what he heard was someone dropping to the floor and the clatter of metal.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for smut in this chapter.

Merlin was naked. Up against a stone wall. Tear stained and full of a fear he was trying to get a handle on.

There was someone here.

Someone that wasn't Timothy.

Someone who had saved him.

But he was too fucking humiliated to turn around.

"Leon?" He ventured, still facing the wall. His voice shook and he tried not to think about it. "If that's you, please don't tell Gwen. She'll only say I told you so."

There was no reply.

Instead a warm hand placed a Camelot's cape on his shoulders, covering the dignity that he'd already lost.

Merlin wrapped the cape around him, silently and turned around.

"Leon, look-"

Merlin stopped.

The room swayed violently and his knees gave in.

He crumbled forward but a hand shot out to catch him.

And there he was, 5 years and 7 months later, face to face with Arthur Pendragon again.

  
Arthur looked exactly the same. Exactly. Like not a day had gone by. His chain mail was even still stained with the wound that had killed him.

Something intense was hidden behind the hard look he was giving Merlin but Merlin had both thousands and no idea at all what it could mean.

Of course Arthur would turn up now. Right at the worst moment for him to turn up. _Thanks again, universe._

He didn't know what to do. He just held onto Arthur, staring at him like he could disappear at any second. Which he supposed as he came back from the dead which is impossible, he could disappear at any given moment too. Merlin held onto him tighter.

Timothy was dead, Merlin noted. He could see his lifeless corpse on the floor beside them.

He should probably feel a bit worse about that.

 

But he couldn't feel much other than Arthur,

actual real life Arthur,

under his skin.

 

"Er," he said eloquently. "Thanks. That was getting a little... out of control."

Arthur's stare hardened.

"Why didn't you stop him?"

It was the first words out of Arthur's mouth.

"Huh?"

"You have magic, Merlin. Why didn't you stop him?"

"I-" Lie, Merlin, lie. "Well, he'd roughed me up, I couldn't reach my magic."

"What about before that? Why didn't you stop him before?"

Merlin stiffened.

"How long were you standing there? How much did you hear?"

Now Arthur hesitated. "I was disorientated. It took me a while to make sense of the scene," he said, looking away.

"I- I'm not going to apologise for killing your boyfriend," Arthur said, letting go of Merlin and taking a decent step back, and taking a decent step back from a conversation about Merlin's behaviour.

Merlin smiled to himself. "You're alive..."

"And kicking, apparently."

"You're alive," he repeated. It seemed to be the only thing he could say. It suddenly became real. Arthur was here. Arthur was back.

"You're alive. You're alive. You're alive," he whispered over and over again until fresh tears began to pool and start down his face.

Arthur's hard stare faltered.

"You're alive-"

"Hey," he said, moving forward again and taking Merlin into an embrace.

They stood there for a long time, Merlin holding onto Arthur.

 

It was so much, it was too much.

Everything that had just happened with Timothy. Everything that had happened before that. Pierre, the others, going into the forest, the five years before that. Everything.

Merlin sobbed silently into Arthur's shoulder and he just held him, clinging on tightly, holding him up.

  
After a while, Arthur let go of the hug and manoeuvred them so they're in Merlin's bedroom. The same one he always had. He found a night shirt and slacks and passed them to Merlin for him to change.

He stood idly by, looking away as if he hadn't just seen Merlin naked and pinned up against a wall.

Merlin grimaced and changed quietly.

"Okay," Merlin said and Arthur turned back around.

What now? Merlin thought.

Arthur just stared at him, that hard look back. And then,

"How long was I dead?"

"You don't know?" Merlin asked, unsure of what was the best thing to say.

"How would I know?"

"Arthur-"

"Just tell me."

"Five years, seven months."

Arthur looked away but his expression didn't show the surprise he expected. Just a cold acceptance.

"Well it's a good thing I came back when I did," Arthur said almost lightly. "Unless there were lots of times I should of come back, when I didn't?"

What was Arthur asking him?

"Timothy had never done that before," Merlin said awkwardly, sitting down on his bed.

"Why were you letting him to do that to you? Say those things? Hurt you?" Arthur asked, still looking away.

Merlin sighed. He was so tired. He buried his head in his hands.

"Arthur- just...it's been a long night- " It's been a long five years and seven months. -" can we just..."

Suddenly he felt the warmth of Arthur's hand on his shoulder.

"Sleep?"

"Yes please," Merlin said softly, looking up at Arthur. "Mm, you need to change out of those clothes."

And then for some idiotic reason, he added, "I burned your body in those clothes."

Arthur's hand tightened on his shoulder and he looked down at the stained chain-mail as if seeing it for the first time. Then he looked at Merlin and his expression got even colder.

Merlin thought he might freak out or say something like he must leave but instead he said, "let me borrow something."

Merlin found Arthur an old night shirt and boxers but there were no slacks clean. He took them all the same and changed in the corner of the room. Merlin procured him with the same decency he'd given to him and looked away even though he'd seen and assisted Arthur change clothes hundreds of times before (and even though he was dying to look, he couldn't hardly bare to look away from Arthur right now).

 

When Arthur was done, Merlin laid down on his bed and Arthur quite confidently came and laid down next to him.

He'd never done that before.

"Are you-"

"You shouldn't be alone, Merlin, not after what happened tonight."

"Okay," he said. "Okay."

They laid silently for a while, Merlin just listened to Arthur breathe.

 

Alive Arthur, breathing.

 

"You should find Gwen," Merlin said eventually. Arthur should be with his ex-wife, at least speak to her. Of course she was with Leon now, but Arthur must be dying inside to see her, hear her voice, see her face, hold her in an embrace. Instead of being here with Merlin.

"I've seen Gwen."

"What?"

"Upon my return into Camelot, I went straight to the throne room to establish the situation. She was there going through parchments."

"Oh," Merlin mumbled. He hadn't been expecting that response. He turned onto his side to face Arthur. "You spoke?"

"Yes. She told me about her and Leon, she told me about Camelot, briefly. And she told me where to find you," Arthur said, staring at the ceiling.

"She didn't tell you how long you were gone?"

"After she told me where you would be, I didn't wait around to ask any more questions."

Merlin frowned.

"Arthur?"

"Sleep, Merlin," Arthur said, turning over to face Merlin back and placing one hand over one of his. The warmth of his hand was gentle and comforting and sung rhythms into Merlin's heart.

Arthur shut his eyes and Merlin watched the breath rise and fall out of his chest until he could no longer keep his own eyes from drooping.

 

 

* * *

 

 

After Killagarah told Merlin Arthur would return to him, he fantasised about the moment, _a lot_. And in most of these fantasies he told Arthur, "I love you." (And then normally kissed the breath out of him). Because he didn't care that Arthur wouldn't feel the same way back, he needed to tell Arthur after all those years of grief because _gods, he never got to tell him._

However, now that Arthur was here, it seemed impossible to tell him.

 

It was the perfect moment.

It was the next morning and Arthur was propped up in Merlin's bed next to him asking him about everything he'd missed. And Merlin's hands were shaking hard. He wanted to say it, just go, "oh well Arthur you missed a lot but what's really important is that you're here and I love you." But his mouth betrayed him and stayed sealed shut.

"You know I've been dead for five years, you could do the decency of answering one of my questions," Arthur said, poking Merlin in the ribs.

"Huh?"

"Gods," Arthur said. He looked like he was going to say something but he just looked away. "Sick of me already?" He joked instead.

"No," Merlin replied seriously, unable to find his own jokey retort.

Arthur sighed. "Alright."

He should say it now. _I love you._

"Look, are you okay?" Arthur asked.

"Yes," he answered honestly.

"You're not... upset? That I killed your boyfriend?"

"He wasn't my..."

"Boyfriend?"

Merlin hesitated. He didn't have a good answer for that.

"He wasn't a very nice person," he said instead.

"No, possibly the worst I've come across," Arthur said curtly, getting up off the bed. Merlin felt the distance stretch out in front of him, endless. "Interesting taste in men, Merlin," Arthur mumbled, looking around Merlin's room, probably for a pair of trousers.

"He wasn't always like that," Merlin repeated from last night.

"Well, like I said, I'm not going to apologise for killing him," Arthur snapped. Merlin flinched.

"Arthur, why are you angry?"

"Why were you letting him hurt you?"

Merlin stared at Arthur from his spot on the bed. Looked like Arthur still wanted to have this conversation after all.

"I-"

-"And what else did I miss? Who else have you let hurt you?" Arthur ran his hands through his hair. "I thought you were smarter than this. I thought you were stronger than this."

 

_What?_

 

Merlin felt the blood leave hands and pins and needles struck through his fingers. His magic thrummed. How dare he? How dare he say that?

 

_"I always thought you were the bravest man I ever met, I guess I was wrong."_

 

Merlin stood.

"You have no idea what it's been like. You have no idea how hard it's been. You have no idea how strong I've had to be."

Merlin walked forward until he was in front of Arthur, eyes staring hard and cold.

"You weren't there, Arthur. You weren't there when Gaius died, when Gwen and Leon's child died, you weren't there when my mum died. You know what Arthur, everyone fucking dies. You died! And I'm fucking immortal, Arthur. I'm immortal and everyone is going to die and leave me just like you did."

Merlin's breath was coming out short and hot. He'd never said any of this stuff out loud before.

"You're shaking," Arthur whispered. Merlin tried to glare back at him but Arthur's soft expression made him falter.

"Fuck you," he whispered back but there was no heat in it.

Arthur wrapped a hand around Merlin's wrist, he didn't know if it was for comfort or to stop it shaking. Merlin looked down at Arthur's fingers, hoping tears wouldn't come.

"I'm not going to leave you again, Merlin."

Merlin wanted to believe him.

"Merlin, look at me."

He reluctantly looked up.

"I'm not going to leave you again."

"You can't make that promise."

Arthur sighed. "Okay, maybe I can't. But you can make one promise to me?"

Merlin nodded, frowning.

"If you're going to date, please no more guys like Timothy."

Merlin laughed. It was a little hollow but he laughed all the same.

"What?"

"Promise me?"

"Arthur, I'm not-"

"-just promise me."

That's what Arthur wanted from him? And was Arthur daft he obviously wouldn't be dating anyone any more. They were just distractions, awful, self-destructive distractions.

"Alright, Arthur," he conceded. "Five years dead and that's what King Arthur wants to talk to me about, my dating habits."

He smiled at Arthur. But Arthur didn't smile back.

 

* * *

 

 

There as a huge celebration, a banquet, entertainment, guests from all the realms. Now that magic was legal in Camelot, the question of Arthur's strange return wasn't posed. Anything was possible in Albion these days. The weird had become normal.

Leon had cried, a lot, and he and Arthur had gone off for some man-to-man chat for almost two hours. Leaving Merlin to get through several pints of mead and wonder if this was all really happening.

He stared at the people, everyone seemed so happy. King Arthur was back from the dead and everyone was overjoyed. So why did he feel like he was barely grasping onto the edge? Arthur was back but he still felt so far away. He wanted to find him and cling onto him and tell him,

_I love you,_

_I love you,_

_I love you so much. Please don't ever leave me again._

It was burning his heart so hard and fast it was filling his lungs with black smoke.

He excused himself and went to the bathroom.

He needed to get a grip on himself. So the love of his life was back from the dead? He could handle that.

Merlin sighed. What a ridiculous situation.

He stared into the mirror.

 

Arthur was there when he got back from the bathroom, chatting with Gwen.

He couldn't tell Arthur he loved him. He could lose him forever after he'd just gotten him back.

He quietly slipped out again. He couldn't do this right now. All the celebrations, all the people. It was too much. He crept back to his bedroom, laid down on his bed and stared at the ceiling. He let his thoughts drift away.

_He was underwater._

 

  
Merlin startled awake. There was a knock on his door. He wasn't sure how much time had passed but the room was dark.

"Hello?"

Arthur edged into the room, he looked loose in the moonlight shining through the window, maybe a little drunk.

"See Merlin, polite people knock," Arthur said, coming straight over and sitting down on the other side of Merlin's bed, where he slept last night.

"Did you come knock on my door just to tell me that?"

"You left."

"Yes, I- I was tired."

"Mm," Arthur murmured. Less of a confirmation, more of a moment of thought.

"Are you happy?" Arthur asked, "that I'm back?"

Merlin frowned.

"Of course, Arthur. More than anything I'm happy that you're back."

"Then why do you look so sad?"

"Arthur-"

"Merlin."

Merlin didn't know what to say. He shifted but stayed silent.

The silence ate into the room and after a while, Arthur laid down next to him.

"You do know this is my bedroom, right?" Merlin said, quirking an eyebrow at Arthur but Arthur probably couldn't see in the darkness.

"Tell me."

Merlin sighed.

"Tell me," Arthur repeated.

"I'm scared that you'll leave me again. I'm scared for _when_ you'll leave me again."

"We don't know I'll leave."

"We don't know you won't."

They were quiet for a long time. Merlin thought Arthur probably had fallen asleep.

"I'm sorry," Arthur whispered so quiet he could barely hear it. But it pierced the heavy silence and Merlin's heart dipped.

He could hardly breathe.

  
Suddenly there was a soft hand against his cheek, so gentle he could hardly tell it was there. Merlin held his breath, terrified he'd scare Arthur's tentative touch away.

It was far too much and barely anything at all.

Arthur's gentle fingers slid against Merlin's hair line, across his jaw. A thumb against the line of his lower lip.

He was growing hard and his heart was beating so hard he thought Arthur could surely hear it. **Thump Thump Thumping** into the aching silence of the room.

 

_What was happening?_

 

Arthur's hand continued to trace lines across Merlin's face and Merlin turned, edging closer but only slightly. He didn't want to break the spell of whatever was going on.

 

Arthur's thumb swept against Merlin's mouth again and Merlin parted his lips a little. Tongue touched thumb and he gasped, unable to stop himself. Arthur breathed hard next to him, and then Arthur's other hand was gripping onto his shoulder, pulling Merlin towards him.

Their bodies still didn't touch but he could see Arthur's gaze soft and hidden by hooded eyelids. He slid his thumb against Merlin's tongue and Merlin opened his mouth wider, letting him in. He grip on his shoulder tightened and pulled him so their bodies were flush against each other.

Merlin felt the line of Arthur's hard cock in his breaches against his own and gasped again. It was almost enough to make him come right there and then.

 

This was insane. He couldn't think. His brain had short-circuited.

 

His hand danced up the side of Arthur and landed on his hip, holding him tight against him as Arthur slid his thumb in and out of Merlin's mouth gently, teasing his tongue.

The idea of this being Arthur's cock in his mouth, hot and heavy, was too overwhelming so he tried not to think about it.

 

Everything was so gentle, they were slotted together but not grinding or thrusting just feeling, and Arthur's thumb was just swiping the side of Merlin's tongue.

 

He wanted to kiss Arthur more than anything but he didn't want to ruin the moment, to push it too far. If Arthur pulled away now, Merlin would surely break.

 

Arthur ground down slowly with his hips and Merlin couldn't help but groan against the thumb in his mouth.

Arthur murmured something Merlin couldn't make out and his hand let go of his shoulder and slipped down Merlin's body.

While one hand held Merlin's face, this thumb sucked into Merlin's mouth, the other slid under Merlin's trousers and cautiously found Merlin's cock.

Arthur's fingers were too soft, they stroked the length of Merlin's cock like this moment could disappear in a second. Merlin's cock throbbed at the contact and he found it impossible to keep his breath in check.

 

He moaned as Arthur's fingers swept over the slit, wiping against the precome pooling there.

He wanted to touch Arthur back but he felt like he couldn't move, paraylsed with the sensation of Arthur touching him, holding him.

Arthur palmed Merlin's cock and slowly began to stroke him.

 

"Arthur," he moaned and Arthur growled something and lent his head against Merlin's shoulder. He took his thumb away and brought his head up to lean against Merlin's forehead.

 

Merlin could taste the same air as him.

 

It would be so easy kiss him right now.

 

Arthur was pulling down his own slacks with his other hand and suddenly their cocks met.

 

"Arthur," Merlin moaned again.

 

Arthur stripped both their cocks as well as he could in one hand, precome and sweat sliding them together. Merlin's hand found Arthur's and he covered Arthur's hand as they pushed each other closer and closer to the edge.

 

Arthur was breathing heavily, his breath against Merlin's mouth.

"I- I need," Merlin mumbled, barely coherent.

 

He wanted to kiss him so much but as the staggered toward the edge, Arthur bit down against his own lip and moaned, "Merlin." just as his thumb swept over the head of Merlin's cock. And it was too much.

 

He came, hot come painting them. Arthur came shortly afterwards, gripping Merlin hard and sucking a love bite into his collar bone.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for smut in this chapter.

Arthur wasn't gone in the morning like Merlin thought he might be but he did leave pretty swiftly afterwards.

Last night had been insane. It had been everything to Merlin and yet they didn't even kiss, didn't even talk. Just touched and touched so they didn't have to say anything. And Merlin had no idea what it meant. What did Arthur want? Was it a moment of madness? One night he gave himself over to Merlin because he knew it was what Merlin wanted? Or did it mean more?

Merlin couldn't even begin to comprehend the implications. Arthur couldn't- Arthur didn't feel the same way.

 

_"I want you to always be you."_

 

Merlin shook his head and turned on his side. He was still in bed. Arthur had gone to a council meeting. There was probably a lot to be done now that the King was back. Would Arthur have to be re-anointed? No that was madness. Even a dead King is still a King.

Merlin's King.

What would it be like now? Would Merlin slip back into the role of manservant or remain Court Sorcerer?

Did it matter? Merlin would throw his title away in an instant just to know what Arthur was thinking, to know what last night had meant.

He ran his finger across the soft bruise forming on his collar bone.

 

* * *

 

 

Arthur didn't return that day. Or the next.

On the third day, he came.

_"Sorry I've been away so much, Merlin. You know what it's like I'm the King of Camelot and I'm back. I've been very busy with council meetings. There's a lot to sort out."_

And Merlin found his fears being realised. He'd scared Arthur away.

He sat at Gaius desk. Five years, seven months alone and now just a few days back with Arthur and then he was gone again. How had Merlin managed to ruin it already?

 

Fuck.

 

He looked down at his hand where he'd clasped a vile so hard the glass had begun to splinter. He put it down on the desk.

Merlin decided to just go seek Arthur out. It was childish just sitting here brooding. Arthur was alive and Merlin could go and talk to him if he wanted to, so he would.

 

He went straight to the council chambers but there was a meeting in progress, and as much as he could (Gwen would never mind, Arthur might though), he didn't feel like interrupting. He found Leon sitting outside going through parchments, brows thoroughly furrowed.

Leon caught his eye and smiled widely.

"Hey Merlin, what brings you here? Fancied helping me with the Royal finances?"

Merlin chuckled.

"I was actually looking for Arthur but I guess he's in the meeting."

Leon frowned.

"Why would Arthur be in the council meeting?" Leon said looking genuinely confused, like there might be something going on he wasn't aware of.

"Because he's the King of Camelot," Merlin said slowly.

"Arthur stepped down from his duties."

"What?"

"He rebuked his title. Gwen will remain Queen."

Merlin blinked at him. "Oh."

"Arthur didn't say?"

Merlin didn't know what to say, he just shrugged and walked away.

 

Walked back to his chambers. Sat down at the desk and stared at the wall.

Why would Arthur lie like this?

Did he just want to get away from Merlin? Well, couldn't he just tell Merlin the truth? After everything he's been through, Arthur could have just been honest with him, it deserved that at least.

 

Merlin gripped the table beneath his hand. _Fuck you, Arthur._

He marched to Arthur's rooms. It was weird, he hadn't been there for months; he hadn't even been there since Arthur's return. Arthur had spent every moment with him in Merlin's chambers. Merlin hadn't thought it was strange until he strode into the room to see it just as unlived in as before. Apart from the bed where the covers had been disturbed.

Arthur wasn't there.

Merlin re-evaluated but he couldn't come up with where Arthur might be.

He searched the castle grounds back to front, until eventually, as dusk was setting, he found Arthur in the Rising Sun. He was sitting close to someone Merlin recognised as the widowed wife of an out of town farmer. She'd moved to the city after her husband had passed. They were whispering. Merlin was going to go in and confront Arthur but he hesitated. He watched them from the doorway. What were they whispering about? Merlin felt the uncomfortable itch of jealousy in his chest.

He left.

What was the point in baring witness to whatever this was? Be it Arthur's new romance or something else. It clearly didn't involve Merlin.

He went home and laid down on his bed.

  
_He was underwater._

 

***

 

_"Merlin. Whatever happens..._

_"Shh. Don't talk."_

_"I'm the king, Merlin. You can't tell me what to do."_

_"I always have. I'm not going to change now."_

 

Merlin woke to the harsh rap of a knuckle on his door once again. His heart hammering in his chest hard enough to match it.

He groaned and pulled the pillow close to his cheek. Five more minutes to fight the nightmare (memory) please.

The knock sounded again.

"Yes," he rasped. The door opened and in came Arthur. Why was he surprised? The only person that ever came here was Arthur. He'd grown undisturbed for years apart from the odd visits from Leon but he never came in the morning, he knew better than that.

 

_Arthur._

 

Merlin sat up.

"We're going on a trip," Arthur said. It felt like no time at all had passed since they used to quest together. Except so much time had passed and everything was different now.

Merlin stared at him.

Three days of almost silence and now this.

"Did you hear me?"

"Yes."

"Right then. Well, pack your things."

Arthur waited.

"Right now?"

"Yes, _Mer_ lin. Are you really that incompetent?"

Had five years passed or had Merlin dreamt it? He sighed.

"Where are we going?"

"It's-" Arthur paused, seemingly to look for the right word, -"a surprise."

"A secret?"

"A surprise!"

"You've got a lot of those."

"Surprises?"

"Secrets."

"Oh, like you can talk," Arthur snapped back. "Look, are you coming or not?"

"Yes."

"Right. I'll be back in twenty minutes and you better be ready to leave."

And with that, Arthur left.

What was Arthur playing at? A trip where? Merlin was just so tired, he wanted it all to be over, to end this dance, to end this waiting. He'd been waiting for so long.

  
***

 

Where ever they were headed, it was far. They rode all day.

  
_"Is your little bottom sore, Merlin?"_

_"Yes it's not as fat as yours."_

  
Merlin watched Arthur, he seemed contemplative. What was going through his head? Merlin missed the old days when he knew exactly what Arthur was thinking, when he knew exactly how to get Arthur to smile, when Arthur didn't lie to him.

 

They stopped at a tavern for the night. Arthur bought them dinner and Merlin didn't say much. He felt hollow, like somehow they were leading up to the end. What did it matter anyway? In one way or another, Arthur would leave him. Again. A dust settled over his heart, a dust he hadn't felt since Leon asked him to come down for memorial drinks all those years ago. A quiet, easy dust.

 

He sat on one of the beds in their shared room at the inn, and watched the horses nibble at hay in the dusk. He smiled to himself. He'd always loved horses, they were so steady and strong. Loyal. Gentle. He could get on one of the horses and go and go and go. He could run-

"Merlin?" Arthur's voice split into his fantasy. "You've been out of it all evening, are you okay?"

Merlin dragged his eyes away from the window. How long had Arthur been sitting next to him searching his face with a concerned expression?

I love you, Merlin thought. _Somewhere, somehow I love you_. But he couldn't quite grasp onto the feeling.

"Yeah," he said quietly and looked back out the window.

He heard Arthur sigh next to him.

"Don't lie to me, Merlin," Arthur implored. Merlin said nothing. What was there to say? He just stared out the window.

 

_I could go._

 

"You lied to me for years, you're gonna lie to me now?"

Merlin's eyes focused.

It felt like he'd had been slapped round the face.

In a instant his emotions came rushing back to him. But, unfortunately, the most prominent one was anger.

He turned on Arthur.

"If I'd told you the truth, you would have beheaded me!"

"You honestly think that?"

"Yes!" No.

Arthur's expression closed off.

"You know that's not true," Arthur said quietly.

"Do I? And now you're lying to me? What am I supposed to think of you when I've got no idea what you're thinking, huh?"

"I'm lying to you?"

"You're not King anymore. So what have you been doing? Drinking down the tavern and chatting up widowed wives!"

Arthur scoffed. "And what were you doing when I was gone, fucking any guy you could get your hands on?"

"You weren't 'gone' Arthur, you were dead!"

"Don't lie, you knew I was coming back."

"Not for the first five fucking years. And what does it matter to you who I fuck anyway? I waited for you anyway so what does it matter?"

"What does it matter?" Arthur said.

"Yeah. I can still be your little fucking manservant, Arthur."

"You think that's what I want?"

"I don't know what you fucking want! Why don't you tell me?"

He shoved Arthur, anger burning through him. His magic was shaking his breath into rags.

 

"I want you," Arthur growled. But before Merlin could say "what" or even comprehend what Arthur was actually saying, Arthur was kissing him. Hard.

 

And pushing him down on the bed.

 

And straddling Merlin's waist. And kissing him, and kissing him and kissing him some more. Merlin couldn't think. He just kissed Arthur back.

 

Arthur dragged a hand through Merlin's hair and Merlin opened his mouth wider as Arthur nibbled on his lower lip.

"Arthur-"

"Fuck you, Merlin. You think that's what I want? You to be my little manservant?" Arthur growled, kissing Merlin again hard and unbuttoning Merlin's shirt, with fast, clumsy fingers.

Arthur placed open mouthed kisses to Merlin's jaw as he pulled Merlin's shirt open.

"Fuck you, Merlin, you think I would have had you beheaded, fuck you, fuck you for thinking that." He sucked a hard bruise over the other one he'd left before and Merlin tried not to arch off the bed.

He was growing hard and by the feels of it, where Arthur was straddling him, so was Arthur. There wasn't much he could do though, Arthur was a force to be reckoned with, kissing him fiercely and tugging Merlin's hair with his hands.

"You left me," Merlin whispered, as Arthur pulled Merlin's head back. Arthur kissed him harder.

"You think you're the only one who missed someone," Arthur said. Merlin growled and leant up to pull Arthur's shirt over his head.

"More," he mumbled. Unsure of what more he wanted but more than this, he was sure of that.

Arthur didn't question it though, he just sat up and untied Merlin's trousers. Merlin tried to help but Arthur batted his hands away, and pushed him back down on the bed. He pulled Merlin's trousers down, slowly kissing down his thighs.

Merlin's breath staggered.

He pulled Merlin's trousers off and threw them across the room. And kissed back up gently. His lips soft but confident. Merlin looked down, catching Arthur's eye. There was still that anger there, and he gripped Merlin's hip with one hand, not breaking eye contact.

A challenge.

 

Merlin was painfully hard now and his cock throbbed as Arthur took it in the other hand.

He ran his thumb up the shaft and Merlin breathed hard. Trying not to look away.

Arthur brought Merlin's cock to his mouth and very gently licked the precome pooling their with the pad of his tongue.

That was too much, Merlin squeezed his eyes shut at the pleasure.

When he opened his eyes, Arthur was smirking.

Arthur caught his eye again and pushed the head of Merlin's cock into his mouth, swirling his tongue around his slit. Merlin groaned.

 

This was too much.

 

His magic hummed under his skin.

Arthur dipped Merlin's cock further into this mouth. Hot, wet and totally consuming.

Merlin gripped the sheets underneath him.

Arthur set a slow rhythm, sucking Merlin's cock into his mouth, holding onto Merlin's hip so Merlin couldn't pick up the pace.

 

"More, more, more," Merlin murmured under his breath. Unable to say much else.

Arthur slowed up and took Merlin's hard, wet cock out of his mouth.

"No, Merlin," he said sternly. "I'm going to take my gods damn time."

Merlin moaned, both desperate and desperately turned on.

 

Was Arthur trying to break him?

 

Arthur went back to slowly rocking Merlin's cock into his mouth, swirling his tongue round the head and making Merlin whimper.

The pace was pulling Merlin apart. He needed more, so badly. But if he looked down now, he'd come. He shut his eyes and tried not to think about coming with Arthur's hot wet mouth around his cock.

"Arthur, please," he mumbled. "Please, please, please." He repeated. 

He heard Arthur growl. He pulled off of Merlin's cock.

"Look at me," Arthur said.

Merlin steadied his breath. And looked down to eyes blue eyes.

 

Arthur suddenly swallowed Merlin's cock down until he hit the back of Arthur's throat and Merlin gasped and squirmed.

He picked up his pace, furiously. Leaving no pretences to where this was headed.

Arthur let go of Merlin's hip and one hand trailed away from Merlin's view.

 

But in one breath-taking moment, he realised Arthur was jacking himself off under his trousers to sucking Merlin's cock and he almost lost it right then and there.

Arthur's eyes blurred and he groaned around Merlin's cock, the vibrations ripping pleasure through him.

 

He was too close.

 

"Arthur I'm- I'm," he said, pulling at Arthur's hair in warning. But Arthur increased his pace and moaned again.

 

Merlin came, hot into Arthur's mouth, who eventually pulled off. Come dripping to the corner of his lip and Merlin thought that had to be the hottest thing he'd ever see.

But then Arthur was still stripping himself, and then coming against Merlin's stomach with Merlin's come in the corner of his lip and that was the hottest thing he'd ever seen.

Arthur collapsed against Merlin's stomach and laid there for a while. Merlin carded a hand through Arthur's hair.

 

Couldn't they stay like this forever?

 

* * *

 

 

  
"Come on, get up, you lazy arse."

He woke up, sticky and cold. Arthur was standing next to the bed, dressed and clean and looking like last night never happened. But it was evident from Merlin's state that it definitely had.

"I'm gross," he mumbled, wiping a clammy hand against the already soiled bed covers.

"You took the words right out of my mouth."

"Are we going to talk about what happened last night?"

"Later. We've got to get going as soon as possible and you need a wash."

"We can't take five minutes to talk about it," Merlin grumbled, swinging his legs round so he was sitting on the edge of the bed. He was sick of Arthur avoiding him.

"No, it'll get dark and we need to get there in the light."

"Get where?"

"It's a surprise!"

"Is this to do with why you decided not to be King?"

"Will you just trust me?"

Merlin relented. He was pissed off Arthur was keeping secrets from him but of course he'd trust him. Of course he would.

 

  
***

 

They arrived.

And Merlin didn't know what to think.

They were at an old run down farm, the old run down farm that the widowed wife that Arthur had been speaking to still owned. His eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

It wasn't derelict, the fields were over-grown and the shackles on the roof were loose but it was still in pretty alright condition, considering. Merlin looked around expecting something to stand out, something to explain what they were doing here.

"This is... nice," Merlin said, dismounting his horse and tying her up on a wooden post outside the front door.

"Just wait until you get inside," Arthur said, smiling warmly like it was the most amazing place he'd never seen.

"Er, alright," Merlin said questioningly.

This was where Arthur had wanted to take him?

He presented the small farm house like showing off Royal Jewellery.

"Look at the kitchen, Merlin. It's amazing, look how big it is."

"It's certainly big," Merlin agreed. He didn't know what he'd been expecting but somewhere in his heart, he'd been hoping for something different. But he wasn't sure what that different thing was. Was he expecting Arthur to confess his love to him? A marriage proposal? All of that was fucking ridiculous.

Of course it would be a run-down farm house... .

"You could be a bit more enthusiastic, Merlin!"

None of this was helping to explain the lies.

Merlin folded his arms. "Arthur, what are we doing here?"

"When I was a child, my nanny used to read me stories from the farmlands. Quaint, silly things about mums and dads and their kids going on adventures, but something in them stuck with me I guess," Arthur walked around the room, running a hand along one of the wooden beams. "Ever since then, I thought that one day, I'd be able to retire to a farm. Leave all the responsibility of Camelot behind, enjoy my final years running a small farm in a quiet village."

Merlin watched him. He knew this to some extent, of course. He'd heard Arthur wax lyrical about farm life and he'd mentioned wanting to run away from it all, he just never realised how seriously Arthur meant it.

"Come here, with the love of my life, with my family, and just settle down."

Merlin smiled and then grimaced. Isn't that what everyone wanted?

"Leon told me about what happened with the bandit."

"What?"

"You- you paying him to ... . You wanted to die."

Merlin looked away. Couldn't Arthur leave all that behind them?

"Does it matter?"

"Do you still feel that way?"

"No," because how could he let Arthur go when he'd just got him back, even if Arthur didn't want him.

"Merlin," Arthur was stood on the other side of the room next to the window. Light casting a shadow against his face, he almost looked mournful. Like a painting. "I love you."

Merlin wasn't sure he heard right.

"And this is what I want," Arthur said gesturing around the room.

"Wh- what?"

"This life, with you. I don't know if this is something that you want but I- life is so short, Merlin, I just needed to see."

The distance between them was so thick it was tangable.

"You love me?"

"Yes, Merlin," Arthur said exasperatedly. "Obviously."

Merlin felt like he was lighting up, his magic gripped his bones.

 

**Arthur.**

 

"Say it."

Arthur looked around the room like he wasn't sure, a moment of fear swashing over his expression. But he swallowed, cleared his throat and stood tall.

"I love you."

Merlin was moving towards him.

"I love you," Arthur was saying again.

Merlin was in space, pulling Arthur in for a kiss, his magic pulling Arthur in for a kiss.

His fingers tingled with soft sparks of energy as they tangled their way into Arthur's hair, his lips cutting off Arthur's words.

"Does this mean-" Arthur began.

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes I want this, yes I love you," Merlin growled against Arthur's mouth. "Obviously," he said mirroring Arthur's words.

 Merlin pushed him against the closest wall.

"Is that-"

"It's my magic," he said.

 

And it was, uncontainable, surrounding them, gripping them, holding them together as Merlin kissed Arthur.

 

"Is it-" Merlin said, cutting off the kiss.

"It's wonderful," Arthur said grabbing him back. "It's perfect."

Merlin's magic wrapped them up and for several minutes they stood there, braced against the stone wall, breathing, kissing, feeling.

"Where's the bedroom in this place?" Merlin said impatiently. Arthur laughed.

"Come on," he said, taking Merlin by the hand and leading him through the house until they reached a small room filled with a rickety looking bed and a wardrobe with the doors left open.

"It's certainly a fix-er up-er," Merlin said looking at Arthur incredulously. "You bought this place?"

"Yeah, did you really think I was having it off with that widow? She's twenty years my senior!"

Merlin blushed.

"I don't know. It sounds ridiculous when you put it like that. I was just..."

"Jealous?"

"Don't play coy, you were too, Arthur. Me with all those men, right? And I know it was bloody Leon who told you."

"Yeah, okay Leon told me but because he was worried, not because he's a gossip," Arthur said softly. "And yes I was jealous," his voice dropping lower. "Because you're mine, Merlin."

He pulled Merlin down onto the bed on top of him.

Merlin kissed him.

Arthur was staring at him. "You're mine, right?"

"Well I guess maybe it's our destiny or whatever to be together."

"So?"

"So I guess that in some ways, that makes me yours."

"You're being difficult on purpose."

"I'm yours," Merlin conceeded.

"Good," Arthur said, using the victory to push Merlin down and swap their positions so he was on top of Merlin.

He straddled Merlin's thighs. It seemed to be a position Arthur favoured.

"You're beautiful, you know," Arthur said quietly, watching him.

Merlin blushed. He didn't know if he'd get used to this. Compliments.

"Arthur, don't," Merlin said, wriggling under Arthur's weight.

"No, shut up," Arthur said leaning down and kissing him. "You're so beautiful. And I'll say it as much as I like, thank you very much. You know, I was King once upon a time."

Merlin laughed.

"Really? You don't seem very Kingly."

Arthur pulled Merlin to yank his shirt off and then took his off as well.

"Probably 'cause I've got a peasant dragging me down to his dirty, dirty level." Arthur smirked.

"Is that right? I thought it's cause you're just a lowly farmer now."

Arthur kissed him again and ground his hips against Merlin. They were both hard.

Arthur nibbled against Merlin's earlobe. "You're beautiful," he repeated.

Merlin's face was hot, he tried to capture Arthur's lips for a kiss but Arthur turned his head.

"You're beautiful and I love you," Arthur whispered.

He said it over and over.

_I love you._

_I love you._

_I love you._

  
"I want you," Merlin moaned. "All of you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," he breathed. Arthur rolled off of Merlin, he missed the weight immediately.

He pulled off Merlin's trousers and his own, like he'd done with their shirts.

They were naked and Arthur laid on his side facing Merlin just looking at him.

"What?" Merlin said, goosebumps nipping at his skin. But he was looking at Arthur too, fuck he was gorgeous. His hard cock curving towards his stomach, his breath short and heaving, his lips swollen and wet.

 

Arthur didn't answer him, he just kissed him fiercely.

"Fuck me," Merlin whispered. Arthur moaned and it went straight to Merlin's cock.

"Yes, okay," Arthur said, smiling against Merlin's against.

Arthur reached down and took Merlin's cock in one hand, tenative and slowly began to stroke him, teasing Merlin's slit with the pad of his thumb.

 

It felt so good.

 

They stayed like that for a while, Arthur's hand on Merlin's cock until Merlin couldn't take it anymore. Why was Arthur always such a tease?

"Come on," he moaned, "come on."

"One minute," Arthur mumbled and got up, leaving Merlin cold and ran, naked out of the room. Merlin laughed to himself, it was a sight to behold.

He came back quickly with a small pot of oil and climbed back on the bed, placing open mouthed kisses up Merlin's body as he searched to reclaim Merlin's mouth. He laid back down facing Merlin.

He covered both hands with the oil and with one continued to stroke Merlin's cock again; the warm oil silky on Merlin's skin made him moan. Fuck.

"Are you sure?" Arthur asked.

"Gods, yes Arthur." He was more than ready. He hooked a leg around Arthur's waist.

Arthur's finger was soft and cautious, just feeling Merlin's hole in circulating motions. The sudden feeling made Merlin gasp and shudder into Arthur's arms. Arthur kissed him.

 

He'd done this before, but it'd never felt like this.

It had never felt so amazing.

 

"Mm more," he murmured. For once, Arthur listened and slowly he slid a well-oiled finger into Merlin. Merlin panted hard.

Arthur let go of Merlin's hard cock and gripped onto Merlin's leg.

Arthur pushed his finger in more and fucked Merlin gently. Merlin's leg was shaking and he pulled himself closer to Arthur still.

Their cocks slid together and Arthur lost his rythm.

"Sorry," he said quietly. "You just feel so..." He didn't finish the sentiment, he just fucked Merlin a little harder with his finger.

"Fuck me," Merlin growled.

"Wait," Arthur said as he slid another well-oiled finger into Merlin and worked two fingers in and out of Merlin.

Arthur's hard cock rubbed against Merlins and Merlin couldn't take it.

"I'm going to come like this if you don't hurry up!"

"Bossy," Arthur smirked. "You'll never stop telling me what to do, huh?"

"Never."

"Good."

Arthur let up and gently pulled his fingers from Merlin. Extracting himself to oil up his own hard cock which was already slick from rubbing against Merlins.

Merlin was about to turn onto his stomach. That's how he usually did it. But Arthur stopped him with a hand and pushed him onto his back.

"Called me old-fashioned but..." Arthur trailed off.

"But?"

"But I want to see your face," Arthur said, looking away, clearly embarrassed. "Okay?"

Merlin smiled to himself.

"Okay."

 

Arthur brought himself forward and sat in between Merlin's legs. He kissed the inside of Merlin's thigh tenderly and looked up at him, eyes bright blue.

He lined himself up and slowly,

slowly,

slid his cock inside of Merlin.

Merlin breathed.

He pushed into Merlin until he was fully sheathed and they caught each others eye. Merlin pulled Arthur down my the back of his neck and kissed him. Arthur looked incredible, eyes blurred, breathing spilling out of him.

"You feel..."

"Just move, Arthur," Merlin instructed.

 

And Arthur did.

 

He pushed in and out of Merlin at a treacherously aching pace.

Merlin arched off the bed and ground down onto Arthur's cock and Arthur moaned loudly and his steady pace faultered.

"Fuck Merlin."

Merlin used the pause to lift his legs and wrap them around Arthur's waist.

Arthur began to thrust again, circling his hips until Merlin's breath hitched.

"Just there," Merlin said.

"Just there?" Arthur whispered into his ear, cicrling his hips and thrusting again. "Do you think you could come like this? With just my cock inside you?" Arthur asked, almost begged.

"Yes," Merlin gasped. Yes he definitely could, he was so close.

Arthur pulled Merlin's leg higher and thrust into him.

He was so

 

so

 

close.

 

"Arthur," he moaned, "I love you."

"I love you too," Arthur said. "I love you." He repeated like a prayer.

_I love you._

_I love you._

_I love you._

 

The words were shattering Merlin. It was too much.

Splintering his bones and consuming him.

 

I love you.

 

Merlin was - he was going to

\- he kissed the words out of Arthur's mouth

I love you.

Merlin came hot and hard with Arthur's name on his lips.

His come slicking them off and Arthur gasped.

It seemed to finish Arthur. He sped up, grasping Merlin to his skin and then he was coming as well.

  
They both collapsed onto the bed, barely able to breathe and hardly able to think.

At some point sleep claimed them but not before Arthur wrapped himself around Merlin's body.

 

***

 

"So this," Merlin gestured to the bedroom, "is the reason you didn't want to be King again?"

"Yeah."

"You wanted to be a farmer out in the middle of nowhere? You're a romantic, Arthur."

"Hardly."

"What are we going to do? Grow carrots and grow old together."

"Shut up, Merlin," Arthur said looking at him, the sunlight pricking holes in his painfully blue eyes, " Merlin, I don't know if I'm immortal like you. I don't know that if I do die one day, that I'll return to you or not. But what I do know is that I want this right here with you for as long as we can have it, and that's the best I can offer. So yes I want to 'grow carrots and grow old together'. The question is do you?"

Merlin smiled at him.

"Yes, Arthur."

Arthur smiled.

"And I'll try my hardest not to get myself killed."

Merlin moved in closer and kissed Arthur on the cheek, hugging him tight. It was so long ago since he watched that boat burning in the middle of the lake. He didn't know if he could watch that boat burn again but right now, he didn't care. He was going to let himself be happy even if it only lasted for five minutes because those five years had been worth these five minutes.

"Just hold me," he said quietly against Arthur's skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading xoxo
> 
> Find me on tumblr at this-total-fuck


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